When I cannot be there
I will think of you
When I cannot hold you close
I will dream of you
When my arms are empty
my heart is full
of love for you
In my heart
I am there for you
When I cannot be there
I will think of you
When I cannot hold you close
I will dream of you
When my arms are empty
my heart is full
of love for you
In my heart
I am there for you
There is nobody there I know
You are not there I know
But in the darkness I see your face
and reach for you
Inside my chest I feel your warmth
and reach for you
I reach for you
Perhaps tonight
Perhaps
If our life together is a football match,
I demand time added on to the added-on time
An instant replay – the ball’s not over the line!
A last-minute penalty save in the last-minute ward
A refusal to let you have an early bath, early doors
I’ll stand in the wall as the number 10 kicks
I’ll go in knee-high on all of illness’s tricks
I’ll stop it however, however I can
I won’t let you be part of someone else’s tactical plan.
But it’s not and it’s over, just as they thought
You flew down the wing but your heels have been caught
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it drives you to distraction
but the only way I can cope
is to think of you leaving me
as some terrible
terrible
three o’clock Saturday
relegation-battling
footballing action.
I push you gently
firmly
and you swing out from the edge.
You are floral against the blue beyond the cliff
and
after a moment
of suspension
of disbelief
swing back.
I catch you firmly
gently
and wrap my arms around your waist.
I kiss your neck and you half-twist.
Your dress is thin cotton in the temperate sun.
I push you again
and again
you swing out
toes pointed
legs straight out from the worn wooden seat.
The rope knots squeak
the tree imagined on the edge of the drop.
You swing out above the clouds
out
back
out
back
my hands on your shoulders
each time you return.
Again I hold on to your waist
and we swing out
above the emptiness
my feet hang down
cutting through clouded air.
Your back is warm through the cotton
my arms are tight.
We swing together
the sun to our side
soft clouds below.
And then we are back on the grass
and you turn
and look in my eyes
and I raise my eyebrows
and you nod
and I nod
and I walk backwards
holding you firm
until I am standing on tiptoes
and then I run forward
and as we swing out
out
up and out
and I am not sure how
but you let go of the swing and
we are
falling
falling
falling
through the soft warm air.
We fall
and we fall
and I do not know why
but I am not afraid of the height or the falling
and you are with me
and I am with you
and you smile and I smile.
There was everything.
Then nothing.
The absence of something,
of that something,
was worse than the knowing you had gone.
We are never a horde.
We are never a swarm.
We are never a rising tide.
We will never cause others harm.
We are we and we are best.
We are we.
She drinks slowly, thinks
– a white, sharp as honesty –
the memories will flow.
Autumn gathered; red.
Rasp on tongue, thoughtful glances.
And then sweet stories.
Apricot
Forget me not
The empty cot
The killer robot.
Phrases that until today I never expected to see together.
One lives, one learns, one dies.
Rest. Sleep. Recover.
Rest. Tea. Sleep. Recover.
Rest. Tea. Sleep. Coffee. Recover.
Rest. Tea. Cake. Sleep. Coffee. Cake. Recover.
Rest. Sleep. Recover.
And I will be there to hold you.